I don’t write much about my dating life on here, essentially because I’m in the top five most awful people at dating – of all time. And in spite of all my love of gay bars and shimmying to Girls Aloud in the club, I’m not so much of a boy-chaser. I’ve never quite managed to get my head around the ‘Being gay is just about who I sleep with’ schtick, because for me it’s the total opposite. I love all my gay gay gay-ness, but I’m not desperate to hook up with guys left, right and Chelsea – and in fact, I’ve never had a boyfriend. Should I be bothered by it? I’m not.
And so as I recently ventured on a unique kind of date (and it’s increasingly rare for me to have a date of any kin) I thought I’d take the opportunity to tell you all about it. Just as I am not great at talking to any strangers when I’m out and about, I am also not great at talking to guys in bars and other places where gay-boys meet each other. And so I ventured online to one of “those” gay dating sites to see if there were many gays in Kuala Lumpur – the capital city of a Muslim country where homosexual activity is illegal. Well, there are bloody tonnes of gay boys in the city and it seemed like there were a lot of guys who wanted to chat.
There is no particular type of guy that I go for (beggars can’t be choosers) but when a Malaysian Nick Jonas-a-like messaged me, I basically knew that I had to seal the deal. In his photos, this guy was at least 50% more handsome than me and had a more impressive body than mine, but as I later learned, his preference was for skinny white guys. Every dog has his day.
We decided to meet for some cheap middle eastern food, and as I was waiting for him I had a sudden feeling of despair, convinced that this guy was a rent boy. There are so many of them in southeast Asia, and what with the guy’s extreme handsomeness, I was close to being 100% sure that he must be expecting me to pay for “everything”. In walks the guy, a little late, but I could forgive him because lord-have-mercy he really was the Malaysian Nick Jonas-a-like of his photos. He had the Nick Jonas bum and everything. In case, you are not familiar with the famous Nick Jonas bum, spend some time getting acquainted…
It turns out that the guy was not only spectacularly handsome, but also lovely, and clearly interested. I would have wept if that wasn’t bad form. So, we were ready to move this date on if you know what I mean, but there was a major obstacle. I was staying in a shared dorm and he was living with his family (he wasn’t a minor, I promise – it’s common for guys in their twenties to live with their family in Asia) so where were we to go? Fortunately, one of Kuala Lumpur’s most popular gay sauna’s, Day Thermos, was right around the corner.
This isn’t a photo of Day Thermos. Err, I forgot to take any.
Day Thermos doesn’t have a huge number of facilities, but it’s one of the most professional and cleanest saunas that I have visited on my trip, and I think very much worth the 30 ringgit (£6) entrance fee. One of the things that I like most about this sauna is how short the towels are. I have never seen towels so short! If you are particularly well endowed you are bound to be falling out all over the shop. As you sashay around the premises in your miniature towel, the main facilities you will encounter are a (very dark) dark room, a steam room, and a sauna. I was kinda disappointed that they didn’t have a jacuzzi, even if a soak in a gay sauna jacuzzi means that you are basically boiling away in a vat of men’s jizz. My date and I wandered around the various rooms before making our way to a private room where you can guess what happened. SERIOUS POINT: Gay saunas in Malaysia do not supply condoms or lube, so make sure that you bring your own in order to play safe.
This guy was a mix of Malaysian and Spanish. The guys I’ve slept with in southeast Asia have all subscribed to the stereotype of guys from this part of the world having tiny dicks – sorry bout it, Gaysia. I really couldn’t detect any Spanish genes in this guy facially, but when he took off his towel I very quickly realised that his Latin fire had all accumulated in his nether regions. Not complainin’.
And that was my date in a gay sauna in Kuala Lumpur. Where’s the strangest place you’ve had a date?